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[09 Feb 2005|03:53pm] |
If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, please post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.
Then, if you want, post this to your journal and see what people remember about you.
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[06 Jan 2005|06:28pm] |
Yippeee. Made a new finnish journal. I love it. Been cleaning all day... it's crappy but now it's clean everywhere. Nice...
Paul is annoying me on msn. *argh*
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[27 Dec 2004|10:38pm] |
people leave stupid replies in my fic thread. I don't like those "I like it, post more soon." replies. They are boring. If I write fucking 2 page chapter for them to read, can't they give more to me than 2 lines. *argh*
annoyed I am now.
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[27 Dec 2004|09:11pm] |
hehaa. Went shopping with my step-mom today. I got a new black velvet skirt, a beige sweater, a beige collar shirt and this cute black top with a little white line in it. It's cute. I also bought this "magic" book about wiccas and a bracelet.
Hmm. I need company. I'm so bored being alone at home. But all the people I'd like to hang out with live so far away.
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[26 Dec 2004|11:46pm] |
Okay.. here's what I got...
- The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
- Decamerone
- some paints
- 2 shirts
- this cool earring
- art book
- Green Day's American Idiot
- The Darkness's Permission to Land
- Velvet Revolver's Contra Band
- and some stuff not worth mentioning...
And my most favourite present I got was a new cell phone. Samsung x460. I love it so much. It's the cutest thing ever. Been making stupid phone calls, just so I can use it. Ah stupid me. But well, it's so cute.
Saw this really weird dream last night. I was in a concert (?) and then my ex came on the stage and made a little speech and he said that he knew whatever happens he'll marry me eventually. Then he played a piano and sang this cute song which words I cannot remember. But it was a creepy dream. I woke up with a huge smile on my face. :)
Dreams are killers, they always keep my hopes up. *argh*
Now I really miss him. I called him last night and asked if he'd come out to build a snowman with me. But he was in a car, moving his things back home. So he didn't. I need to see him so bad. I got too many questions I need him to answer. Blah.
Life sucks.
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[24 Dec 2004|02:49pm] |
Merry Christmas everyone!!
My wishlist for this year
- Samsung 450 something
- a huge bed
- The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
- Digital camera
- Some cd's
- Paints
- Return of The king
hmm.. that was pretty much it. Got Contra Band from my friend. I love that cd. <3
Thank you very much for it.
Tomorrow is going to be very hard for me. It would've been our aniversary. I've been fighting with myself because I wanna call him so bad.
But I can't and I won't. Hope he'd call me.
Can't wait for the night, opening the presents and everything to be over. I'm not a christmas person, I find it so fake. It's one of those days that everything is supposed to be fun and nice, so ev1eryone pretends that way. Blah. But presents are nice. :)
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[20 Dec 2004|10:36pm] |
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Omg omg. I hate cell phones. I forgot to put my cell back to normal mode and it was on silent. And of course my ex had called and I didn't hear the vibration because I was wrapping christmas presents. SO I called him back an hour later and he says that he just needed company but now he's with a friend.
How stupid can mobile be??!!! It's his brithday today and I would have loved to see him.
I'm very angry now and I will never use silent mode again. never.
Stupid men. Stupid electronic.
Got all my presents bought and wrapped. Phew. At last.
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[19 Dec 2004|01:50pm] |
Did nothing special this weekend. Last night my friend was here with her boyfriend and we played funny drinking game.
I re-started my old fic. I really need something to think about so I changed the title and I'll go through all the chapters. Hope it will turn out better this time.
I read some old skype conversations by Marcus and myself yesterday, man they were funny. I had to laugh my ass off reading them. If someone outsider would read them, they wouldn't find it funny at all. Gotta love the inside jokes.
There's this cute guy in my school who has made me stop thinking about my ex. It's really good for me. He's friends with some of my friends so I just need to get to know him a bit better. Well, he can be an ass, who knows. I don't.
Been thinking about law school a lot lately, I've decided to apply there when I graduate. I started to work on my school with a whole new spirit this year. I've been getting better grades and I'm really happy about. We have this one really cool teacher who I like a lot. In normal circumstances I would never take any philosophy courses, but since he's teaching it, I took them all. I don't like it subject nor do I understand it, but he makes me want to know about it. He's just cool, makes funny jokes and he once accidently told us that he once passed out on his car. Hmm.. wonder why... lol
Going to do some reading now.
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[09 Dec 2004|09:06pm] |
I had a birthday last friday. Was really cool. Got all these nice things. I got 3 presents that I value above the rest. First, I saw Tony, who I haven't seen for ages, about 4 months. Luv the bloke. Second, I got text msg wishing happy b-day from my old best friend who I haven't seen for over a year. Miss him, love him. For 3rd, I got a call from my ex. Saw him later that day when he picked me up from Tara's and dropped me home. He called me on saturday and we talked. Yesterday evening he called and we talked over an hour. He said that he misses me and wants to be with me but he can't have a girlfriend. He didn't tell me why. He kept asking me questions that made me feel really uncomfortable. No one else affects me like that. Last 20 minutes of the phonecall I just cried and he was telling me that he has to see me. He even invited me to go to Lahti for a weekend with him. I said no, because I know if I would go I couldn't let him go. He asked me why I wanted him instead of many other better guys, I just couldn't answer him. How I could I tell him that he's my everything, that he's the last thought in my mind when I fall asleep and the first things there in the morning, that I'd do anything for him, that my life isn't worth living without him? How can I tell that to him since it makes no difference. I would just hurt me even more.
I agreed to´see him this weekend, but I dunno if it's a good idea. Probably not.
Although I love him... I can't trust him. I'm too afraid I'll hurt myself again. But sometimes you have to take the risk.
The most obvious explonation for his actions is that he just wants to get laid. Men blah. But one can only belive and dream.
Well there's blood in these veins
And i cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks can deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside
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| Breezy Easy Days |
[20 Nov 2004|03:33pm] |
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It's been snowing all day and night. I'm so happy. I love snow. It's so white everywhere... prettyyyyyyy.
It's two weeks till my birthday. I already got my present from my parents: 2 tickets to Laura Pausini's concert. Yipee!
Dunno who I'll take with me. My ex used to love her too. But I can't ask him. Fuck.
Today we were supposed to celebrate my friends birtday but we have no idea where we are going. She said that the whole thing is going to be fucked up.
I bought her a cake and a little Baileys. :)
Still missing my ex.
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[01 Nov 2004|07:22pm] |
feel like beating up everyone who's nice to me. Always killed Jim today at school, he was being such an idiot.
*arg* Can't stand people who trying to make me laugh when I'm angry/pissed/depressed.
Biting my nails now, I'm stressed. Have to go play floor ball with 15 little 5-7-year-olds boys for an hour. Yeah. I'm supposed to be their coach. Yeah right. They make me nuts. I dunno what I was thinking when I signed up for this, I'm not a person who likes kids that much. Okey, kids are nice, but I get mad when they give a shit what I tell them to do. In spite of that, they're lovely.
I wanna go shopping, it's relaxing, I need money. I got none. *argh*
I planned some paintings in my biology class. Can't wait to start doing them. I need to buy some more paint though.
Still missing my darling. I wish I could even see him one day.
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[14 Oct 2004|09:28pm] |
Today when I was walking home while Coldplay was playing in my headphones, I realised that I have pretty much everything.
I have a family, which I love very much. I have a nice boyfriend, bunch of friends, I'm doing good at school,I get almost everything I need/want. But still, I'm not happy. I feel like I have a hole inside of me, like something's missing.
The more I think of it the more sure I am what is it all about. I miss me ex boyfriend and I need him. I had almost got over him but it all came back. I wish I could forget him and move on, but I can't push him away from my mind.
I'm going to try to ignore this feeling, but I'm afraid that it won't work. I care about Paul, but something is missing. He is everything that my ex wasn't. And my ex is everything Paul's not.
Sakke makes me feel so safe. It's the best feeling I've ever felt. I miss the way he used to look at me, his eyes were so warm and kind. He made me feel special. And I don't wanna live without that.
I'm always in lack of something, I always have something to complain about. I have so much but I'm asking for everything. And it's too much.
I just need him.
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[06 Oct 2004|10:19pm] |
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Was shopping today, bought Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Good Charlotte's Young and the hopeless, and Travis's Invisible band.
Love them. <3
My sis didn't bring my me cigarettes. *grrr* Ich will ein cigarette haben ! *gwrauh*
Gonna make some avvies now, then maybe read a bit and then it's time to go bed. I'm bloody tired really
Should write a speech for tomorrow but I don't really have the inspiration. Blah, will do it when I feel like it.
Night.
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[06 Oct 2004|04:06pm] |
Almost forgot A HUGE Thank you to Mel who has made my beutiful background.
I really love it.
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[06 Oct 2004|05:49am] |
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Dyed my hair red a week ago. I love it. I'd show you a pic but I don't have one yet.
I got my results back. I got 9 from math! Ida will kill me if she finds out. We are supposed to suck in math. I passed everything but I didn't get as good grades as I expected. so here's all my grades:
English 8
Math 9
History 6
History 7
Geography 5
Religion 8
I ran out of cigarettes at school and it was a nightmare. So I'll go to buy them now, I'll get so many that I'll never run out of them again. :))
Been raining all day and it sucks. Alone at home with Tim. Spooky. (?)
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| By the way I tried to say I'd be there.. |
[05 Oct 2004|08:54pm] |
This swedish guy called Tim came to our house today and he's staying with us for a week I guess. It was nice to talk in english for a while. Been trying to think of ways to spend time with him, but I can't really think of anything cool to do. Blah. He can choose.
Was shopping yesterday with my stepmom, it was nice, got new clothessssshhhh. <3 Luv them.
Thought about funny things today. First, when you're driving on a freeway, there are two lines. On rush hours, the line your driving is always standing still and the other one is completely free. It's kinda odd, but it happens everytime.
The other thing is that we have this celeb couple who's always in the headlines in magazines. All the people always talk how stupid they are and how stupid it is that they are on every magazine blabla. But they all now everything about them, which proves that they still read those things. Silly?
Gonna get my exams back tomorrow, creepy. Hope they went well. I need to pass every course. I'm afraid that english isn't 9. I hate it if it isn't. In finland the grades go 4-10. 10 is the best one. From history I hope 8 or 9.
*panic* I wanna get good grades.
Ì need a friend. Like a best friend. Never had one. Not a real one. I want someone who's around when I need her/him, someone who loves me no matter what and understands me. I know got a few friends who are like that but they are all the way in Germany. I need someone who's here. I feel so lonely sometimes.
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| need...sleep... |
[15 Sep 2004|12:22am] |
Still 2 more hours to go. The final starts then. :) World Cup of Ice Hockey, Finland vs. Canada. Really hope we would win but I think Canada is too much for us. They have been playing so well. I watched the Canada vs. Czech and it was so amazing. Both were really good, but Canada... *sigh* I love Canada. Still hoping we would win.
Had fun with me boyfriend, Paul, today. He's such a dork. *g* He likes to tease me all the time, that's his fav hobby now. *argh* It's so annoying. He just scared the crap out of me. But I can't be mad at him for long. He's too sweetie for that. I adore him.
Went to the mall with Laura today, was good to see her. We don't see each others often enough. Blah.
Saw this old mate in a buss earlier and I felt so guilty that I haven't done anything to keep my older friendships alive. Maybe some people just grow apart. I used to have like 4 or 5 really good male friends and now I see them maybe once in 2 months by accident. It really sucks. But then again, mates come and go. The real friends stay there forever.
I won't see Paul tomorrow I guess. It kinda sucks, but I don't really wanna get too attached to him. Not this soon. If this won't work out, it will be even more hard for me to let go. You know how I am with there kind of things. Miserable. I really like this guy, around him I can be myself and I'm relaxed. But I'm just too afraid that he'll just leave like all the other guys. I hate this fear. Wanna get rid of it. He won't leave me, he's crazy about me and I know it, but still I'm scared. Why? Anyone wanna share?
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| Dancing in the clouds. lalaalalaa |
[07 Sep 2004|04:18pm] |
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I feel funny at the moment. I'm happy and depressed at the same time. I have a lot of stress because of my school things but I couldn't be more happier now that I've found a guy I really like. And he likes me. :D
I've changed my style a lot lately, more funkish. lol. Wonder if that is even a word? Blah. Well anyways. I'm in love with very colourful clothes. And I just found this cute little bracelet my 4-year-old cousin made me once. It's like the cutest thingy ever. *grin*
I've been lazy with my writings, haven't done any for weeks, months? argh. I don't know if I should just delete them all and hope no one ever remembers that they once excisted. They really sucks and I never write them. Bad me. I always start things and then forgot about them. Silly.
Been having serious thoughts of dying my hair, but I can't. It's always been blond and I'm too scared to dye it. But I'd like to see would some other colour be cooler. Blah. Again, silly me.
Wrote my english essay about unemployment. I think it was quite good ^-^
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[31 Aug 2004|09:38pm] |
Yep. I'm still alive. Thought I'd let you know.
I'm more than over my ex now. Go me. Actually, I wish I'd never see him again. He makes me feel sick. *ugh*
Found a new bloke, he's a cutie. So next 10 entries here are probably me complaining why he doesn't want me.
You've been warned. *Wonders who is "You"*
Trying to think of a new nickname, but I find it pretty hard. *duh*
Pretty tired now, been playing football all night. It's fun.
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[18 Jun 2004|12:02am] |
Laallaaaallaaaa... bloody bored at the moment. At out country house again, was playing golf, it was nice. Got a competition on saturday, which freaks me out cuz I suck.
Gotta type fast cuz our web here is so expensive, no cable. *argh*
Still not over my ex-boyfriend. I can't stop loving him. I always realize too late that I love someone. Too late to make things work and that pisses me off. Every summer it's the same thing, I'm depressed and I don't give a shit about anything. And brilliant, I spoil my whole summer in my dark thinking. I don't even have school to take my thoughts, argh, I need school, I need exams. I need my history teachers, they are all sweethearts.
I started this new fic called The Mirror Of Your Soul. I kinda like it a lot. It only has few chappies yet but I'll write more. It'll be my new Fighter. I used to write that one last summer, now I'll do this one and forget my stupid life and my stupid self.
I'm so pissed off.
Everytime I meet a nice bloke, I feel like I'm cheating on my ex, which ain't very good. I'll never meet anyone. If I could forget him, never see him again, I could start living my life again. But no. Everytime I'm almost over him, he comes back into our town, I see and we make out or something and he leaves again. And I'm back to square one. NICE.
I have dreams about our wedding and everytime I see a baby, I think about how cute our babies could have been. He's the person I could spend rest of my life with. But nooooooo. It doesn't work that way. Life has to be as complicated as possible. Kiss my ass.
Oh great, now I got mad at life. Wonderful. I'm a freak, I know.
And I don't even have a fucking msn here and I can't talk to Marcus or Ida. Now I'm pissed off.
Night.
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